Sermon
Honor Father and Mother
November 14, 2004
Pastor Leighton Sheley

I'll invite you to take your Bibles and open to Exodus chapter 20, and we're going to be looking specifically at verse 12 of chapter 20. We have been studying the Ten Commandments, sometimes called the Decalogue, and are coming to more fully appreciate the profound wisdom it provides in giving guidance for a happy and fulfilling life, and in providing a safe and prosperous community. America's foundation was established upon the Ten Commandments, and as the result, we as a nation have enjoyed peace and prosperity.

But in recent decades, we as a nation have begun to experience the results of moral depravity as succeeding generations drift farther from the God of our fathers and God's word. We now find ourselves in an openly declared cultural war and it is time for us to revisit again these profound words. The fifth commandment begins with the words "Honor your father and mother."

Plato wrote, What is honored in a land will be cultivated there.

John McArthur writes, A person who grows up with a sense of respect or obedience to his parents will have the foundation for respecting the authority of other leaders and the rights of other people in general. Children who respect and obey their parents will build a society that is ordered, harmonious and productive. A generation of undisciplined, disobedient children will produce a society that is chaotic and destructive, and unfortunately, we are increasingly becoming a nation of dishonor and we are modeling for succeeding generations how to publicly disgrace one another.

God consider dishonor so important to the health of a nation that He commanded the leaders to put to death any child that either struck or cursed either father or mother in Exodus 21:15 and 17. The Lord later amplified this in Deuteronomy 21:18 and following, which says, If any man has a stubborn and rebellious son that will not obey his father or his mother, and when they chastise him, he will not even listen to them, then his father and mother shall seize him, and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gateway of his hometown. And they shall say to the elders of his city, 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard.' Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death; and so you shall remove the evil from your midst, and all of Israel will hear of it and fear.

The severity of capital punishment underscores how important the observance of this commandment is. Now there are some who mistakenly think that the strength of a nation is found in the quantity of natural resources within its borders, or the strength of its economy, or military. The fact of the matter is that the strength of any nation is directly related to the strength of the family.

I had an opportunity a few years back to visit the Holy Land, and as I watched the Jewish families walk down the streets together on the Sabbath, I was reminded that Israel has continued to exist as a nation for nearly 2000 years without natural resources, without land, without a military, without their own economy, without a central government; they have existed solely on the strength of their families passing heritage from generation to generation. The strength of the nation is found in the strength of the family.

The fifth commandment reads, "Honor your father and your mother so that your days might be long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." And as the writer of the book of Ephesians notes, it is the first commandment with a promise, that it might go well with you and that you might enjoy long life on earth. Now whether God extends the life span or improves the quality of life is of some debate among scholars, but the bottom line is that observing this commandment brings with it great personal benefits.

This commandment is given to us without any limits on time or age, meaning that it applies to each and every one for our entire lifetime. If you are 80 years old, you still need to honor your father and mother.

Now why did God give such a commandment? Well the answer is, there are no perfect parents. You see there wouldn't be a need for this commandment if parents were perfect. It would naturally be an expression to give them honor, but there are no perfect parents, because parents are people, and there are no perfect people. The only perfect parent is our heavenly Father, and Jesus said, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

No matter how good a parent might be, compared to our heavenly Father we are all evil. We have all sinned. We have all made mistakes. The Bible says we have all sinned. All people are dysfunctional and since families are made of people, and parents are people, all families are dysfunctional, varying only in degree and in areas of dysfunction. That is why God commands us to honor our parents.

Now there are some parents that are especially unworthy of honor. They are abusive, manipulative and/or neglectful. God never suggests that such behavior should be accepted, encouraged or ignored. It was God who established authority, but it was never His intention for authority to be misused for personal gratification. There is only one true source of authority and that is God, and God's holy Word, which is God. All other forms of godly authority are delegated by God for a specific purpose and within specific limitations.

God does not delegate authority to government to abuse or murder its people. God does not delegate authority to a man to molest his children or abused his wife. The fundamental purpose for any godly authority is to serve.

Matthew 20 tells the story of Jesus revealing to His disciples that He is going to Jerusalem to be crucified. They didn't understand that at the time. They thought that He was here to establish His earthly kingdom, and since they were His first lieutenants, if you would, they were arguing about who was going to do what in the kingdom. Perhaps Peter was saying you know I really should be in charge of the Army. And Judas would have probably been saying you now I'd like to take care of the treasury guys.

In any event, the mother of James and John the sons of Zebedee came to Jesus and said, I'd like a special favor - I'd like each one of my sons to sit one on Your left side and one on Your right. And of course the other disciples got angry at this, probably because they didn't think of it first. But Jesus made this statement, He clarified, He said, You know that the rulers of the Gentiles, or the godless, lord it over them, and the great ones are tyrants. It will not be so among you. Whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, and he who wishes to be greatest of all must be servant of all.

God established authority for the purpose of service. And continuing in the same passage, Jesus says, just as the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Jesus said look at Me as an example. I didn't come to be served; I came to serve.

Now there are three biblical sources of authority the home, the church, and the government. Each of them have roles that promote an orderly and godly society. The government serves its people by providing a safe environment through fulfilling its godly duty to protect against the shedding of innocent blood. The emphasis in government is on justice.

The church serves its people by providing biblical guidance, spiritual nourishment, and being an extended family under our heavenly Father. The emphasis of the church is on love.

Parents serve by providing the home as best they can with every physical and spiritual need.

In reality God designed government and church to support the home, which was His first institution.

In the government we find an institution where justice is blind and unmoved by love. In the church we find an institution where justice is bridled by love. In the home we find an institution where a young person is introduced to the coexistence of both justice and love. God is just -God is love.

Now when institutions operate outside of their God-given purposes, abuse results. God never intended for the government to be our parent. God never intended the church to be our parent. We are brothers and sisters in Christ with one God and Father of all, Ephesians 2:6.

I had someone recently come to me and say, you know, I have not made good decisions in my life. What I want to do is I want to just turn it over to you. You tell me what to do. You make my decisions for me and I'll do whatever it is that you want me to do. I paused and considered that and responded thusly, I said, you know, I think you are in the wrong place. I think what you are looking for is a cult. A cult is a place where you go to have your decisions made for you. This is a church. It's part of God's family. We all make mistakes, but we sit down together, we ask God's forgiveness, we pray together, and we seek God's Word for His guidance in our situations.

The authority of the church does not reside in the pastor or the staff. The authority of the church does not reside in the organization. The authority of the church does not reside in a building. The authority of the church is found simply and solely in God's Word.

Now we are all aware that authority can be abused, and the person who abuses his or her authority brings dishonor upon them self. Nonetheless, God wants us to honor the position of parenthood regardless of the worthiness of the person who fills that role.

If we go before a judge we address him as 'your honor', and that is not necessarily a value judgment upon the person's character. That person might be despicable, but by saying 'your honor' you are showing respect for the position of authority. God calls us to show respect for the position of parents.

How someone respects their parents affects every other relationship in and through life. Surveys have shown that people who get along with their parents have far less stress in their lives, and conversely, many marriages have been ruined because of unresolved issues with parents.

I'd like to invite you if you would to turn in your Bible to Genesis chapter 2 verse 24, because it's important for you to know where to find this verse, and if you'd like you can mark your Bibles. This is the verse, Genesis 2:24, where God establishes the first family. And it reads: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and be united to his wife; and they will become one flesh. Now there is much we can learn from this short verse. Every day now I am reminded in some fashion that I'm running out of time with my own two children, now both teenagers. Some day soon they're going to be moving out to start their own lives and their own families. And leaving a father and mother happens all too quickly through the perspective of a mom and dad.

The role of a father and mother is to prepare their children for the day that they will leave their father and mother. It means preparing them for a life of independence. Now the phrase 'a man' could be a generic pronoun representing mankind, that is, both men and women; however, it was the Old Testament custom for a daughter to be under the protection of her father until given in marriage to the protection of her husband.

Now there are two obvious impediments to the establishment of a family as we read this; one is a son who won't leave, and the second is parents who won't let a son leave. Now in today's society there are far too many grown-up sons who want the privilege but not the responsibility of becoming men. I came across a story about a father who was out in his garden and found a baby bird under a tree, assumed it had fallen out of the nest, went to the garage to get his ladder, and when he came back there was another baby bird on the ground. When he looked up the father noticed that the mother bird was ejecting her offspring from the nest.

Thus inspired, he turned around, walked into the house where his son was watching television and said, get a job; you're moving out next month. There comes a time in the life of a man when it's time to leave.

Bill Cosby said to the graduating class of the University of South Carolina, he said, all across this nation people are graduating and hearing the words 'go forth'. My concern is whether they know where forth is. The road home is already paved, forth is not back home. We love you, we're proud of you, we are not tired of you, but we could get tired of you. Forth could be the next door to us, but you pay the rent. The parent's job is to prepare their children to be able to pay their own rent.

And then parents who won't let a son leave. All too often people have strained relationships with their parents because through the eyes of their parents they have never grown up. I know of men in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s who have been highly successful in business, have married and developed a family on their own, and yet when they are in the presence of their parents they are made to feel like little children, and they are not comfortable with that, and because of that they avoid being with their parents.

There needs to come a point in the life of a parent, a rite of passage, if you will, when a parent makes a conscientious decision and declaration to respect their child as a mature, independent fellow adult capable of and responsible for making their own decisions. Once the rite of passage has taken place, there should be no going back. Many a marriage has been injured when a parent meddles without an invitation and assumes an authority that is no longer legitimately theirs.

Now there is a process of preparation for the passage. When my children were little I told them what was right and wrong. Well, my children are teenagers now and there is not an awful lot I haven't told them, so I no longer have to tell them, they already know. All I have to do now is ask the right question. When they've done something wrong or may have done something wrong, I simply ask them, what you've done, is it right? And by doing that I show them respect. I show them respect that I think they can think. I show them respect because they know that I know they can discern right from wrong. I show them respect because I know they can choose to make the right decision.

There are three steps. First is to tell your children, the second step is to ask your children, and then the third step is to wait to be asked, which is often times accompanied by much fervent prayer.

Respect is a two-way street. If a parent refuses to give respect to their child, it is the natural response of the child to withhold respect back to their parents. This we call the generation gap. The result of this unhealthy relationship is an emotional withdrawal and a relational withdrawal. Relationship becomes shallow, conversation becomes cordial and perfunctory, always remaining on the surface and in the shallows, never venturing into the deep, into transparency or significance. Always playing it safe in conversation.

Now what does it mean to honor my parents? Well simply put honoring means to choose to place a great value on your relationship with them. It means taking the initiative to improve your relationship. It means obeying them until you establish yourself as an adult. It means recognizing what they have done right in your life. It means recognizing the sacrifices that they have made for you. It means seeing them through the eyes of Christ with understanding and compassion. It means forgiving them as Christ has forgiven you.

Now how do we put this into practice? Well it depends on what stage of life you are in. There are three different stages; as a child, as an independent person, as one who is taking care of an aging parents. As a child it's very easy. Ephesians 6:1 says, Children, obey your parents. This is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you. As a child we honor our parents by obeying them, pleasantly and immediately. The Bible teaches that as long as you're under your parents roof, you are to obey them. As long as your parents are providing for you, you are to obey them. Now when you're out on your own, taking care of your own responsibilities, that's a different stage; the stage of being an independent person.

When we're young our parents can do no wrong. They are the standard of parenthood, and our family is the standard of families. But as we grow older we more and more see the faults of our parents, and it becomes more and more important for us to accept them in spite of their failures. You didn't choose your parents. They did choose you. You are stuck with each other, and that's why acceptance is vital. Now acceptance does not mean pretending they were perfect. Acceptance does not mean ignoring their mistakes. Acceptance does not mean agreeing with everything they did.

What acceptance does mean is listening to what your parents have to say. Now when you are independent and out on your own you're not bound to take their advice, but you are bound not to despise it or to consider it worthless. Proverbs 23:22 says, Listen to your father who gave you life and do not despise your mother. It's okay to disagree with your parents respectfully, but God says listen to them.

Acceptance means forgiving your parents. The fact is as fallen creatures we hurt each other and ourselves, and that is especially true within families because of the proximity in which we live. Families must learn to forgive. Now forgiveness does not mean becoming a doormat to abuse. It is appropriate to establish boundaries in any relationship that is abusive, including a relationship with a parent.

In his research Dr. Cameron found that 98% of homosexuals had been sexually abused as children by parents, relatives, and/or friends. And I read a statistic elsewhere that told me the number of children who were affected by a typical child molester, and it was staggering to me. For the protection of other children, child molesters should be brought to justice. A spouse or child who refuses to report a sexually abusive parent may become an accessory to further violations that bring injury in the life of others, and this can be a decision that is overwhelmingly difficult when that abusing parent is the primary provider for the family.

Justice is the responsibility of government and God; forgiveness is the responsibility of the individual. You are responsible to forgive your parents.

Now we honor our parents not by focusing on their failures, but rather being grateful for the good things that they have provided for us. Deuteronomy 26:11 says, Be grateful for the good things that the Lord has given you and your family. No matter how difficult our parents might have been there are at least two things we can be thankful for. We can appreciate their effort. Parenting is a very difficult and time demanding and energy draining job, and you have to confess their lives would be a whole lot easier if you weren't part of it. We need to appreciate their efforts.

And secondly we need to appreciate their sacrifice. Parenting is expensive; I know, I have two teenagers. They think I run a printing press in the garage or something.

I took them to Southern California this summer to look at colleges, in part to prepare them, in part to prepare me, and I have become very interested in their grades since that experience. I'm very interested in them making straight A's so we can get all of the scholarships that are available to us. According to some estimates the typical cost of raising a child to maturity in today's economy is a quarter of $1 million. Someone has said a father is someone who carries pictures where once he carried money.

We can appreciate the sacrifice of our parents: instead of seeing the world or driving a Ferrari, they've chosen to provide for us.

Now there is a third stage and that is providing for an aging parent. As parents age we honor our parents by affirming them and not abandoning them. It's important for us to understand the family cycle. When we were born we were 100% dependent on our mothers, and we continued to be dependent through the early years until we grew old enough to be independent. On the other hand, our parents were 100% independent when we were born, but as the aging process takes its toll they become increasingly dependent on us. Some parents find themselves completely dependent on their children at the end of their lives. This is the cycle of the family, and it will only work if we as adult children assume responsibility for our parents.

Our society today places a great value and respect on the potential and energy of youth. And in some European societies elderly people are considered of such low value that they are legally euthanized with the auspice of their government. This is contrary to God's way. God says, Leviticus 19:32, Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly.

Growing old is difficult. At some point as a person grows older, many of their friends in which they found affirmation will precede them in death. They will no longer be desired in the marketplace for their skills and experience and wisdom. Their children will be busy with families of their own, and this can lead to a very lonely existence. Parents have an innate need to know that they have made some kind of a positive contribution in the life of their children. Parents are people. People need affirmation. We need to be a source of affirmation to our parents for as long as they live.

Now how do we affirm our parents? One way is by staying in touch with them, calling them on a regular basis, sending them a card or a letter. Our senior pastor made it a point as long as his mother was alive every Saturday evening he would call her. He affirmed the value of a relationship with his mother.

To honor means to understand the significance of, or to ponder the significance of. In the original Hebrew language the word for honor means heavy or weight. Webster's Collegiate dictionary associates the word with esteem or value. When we honor our parents we value them. We do not take them lightly. We esteem our relationship with them.

Proverbs 3:27 says, Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. And what the Bible is saying is that you should do the right thing while there is still time. If your parents are alive you should honor them now. How we treat our parents will affect how our children treat us.

There's a story that was told in Our Daily Bread about a wealthy widower who left his property to his son and daughter-in-law under one condition, that he would be allowed to live with them for the rest of his life. After a few years when the inheritance had been spent, the daughter-in-law got tired of having the elderly gentlemen around and told her husband he would have to leave. The son agreed and broke the news to his father. A short time later he and the feeble old man walked down the dusty road to a state-sponsored home for senior citizens. Being very unsteady on his feet the father finally asked if he could rest for a few moments on a stump to regain his strength for the final mile of the journey.

As he sat there he suddenly put his head in his hands and began to sob, and the son pricked in his conscience tried to make excuses. Finally the father controlled himself enough to say, I'm not crying so much because I'm going to this lonely home for the poor and unfortunate, I'm weeping because of my own sinfulness. Forty years ago I walked down this road with my father and brought him to the very same place to be abandoned. I am now seeing the results of the evil deeds that I have done.

How we treat our parents will affect how our children treat us. Now the point of this illustration is not to underscore that these institutions are lonely places. Sometimes institutions are the only place where an aging parent can receive the care that they need. The point is, that parents should be honored, valued, esteemed, and not abandoned as one might a worn out worthless piece of furniture. There is a shameful tragedy in our society today when busy families are abandoning the elderly to die alone.

The Bible says anyone who won't care for his own relatives when they need help, and especially his own family, has no right to call himself a Christian. Such a person is worse than the heathen, 1 Timothy 5:8. It says they should put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God, 1 Timothy 5:4. It's pleasing to God for us to care for our parents and grandparents.

Jesus Himself modeled this. When as He hung on that cross suffering and dying for the sins of this world, He called down to His beloved disciple and said John, take care of My mother. While dying for the sin of the world, Jesus did not forget to take care of the needs of His own mother.

Now I have to say, parents, you will be more highly honored if you are honorable. The Bible gives much instruction concerning raising children. One of the instructions is don't keep scolding or nagging your children making them angry and resentful, rather bring them up with loving discipline.

You know, discipline is important for children to learn. It brings with it a couple of lessons for life. For instance, discipline brings pain. And this is an important lesson because when we break God's laws it always results in suffering and pain.

But obedience also brings freedom. Freedom is based on trust, and trust based on obedience. Disobedience, say for instance, against the law, results in a lack of civil trust which in turn results in a lack of freedom via prison or probation. Disobedience does not bring freedom. Obedience brings freedom. The number one goal of any parent should be to ensure that their children have received Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, and such a knowledge eases the transition of any parent from this world to the next; knowing that they will enjoy for all eternity the company of their own children.

The number two goal of any parent is to train up a child in the way that they should go so that when they are old they will not depart from it.

Now for some this is a painful message. It is easier to honor parents when they are good and godly people, but some people have had parents who have hurt you deeply. The Bible says there is a severe judgment for child abuse, mistreatment, neglect or molestation. Jesus said anyone that offends one of these little ones it's better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the bottom of the sea. Child abuse is no trivial matter to God.

Jesus said justice will come. Hopefully, an abusive parent will come to a place of repentance and be the recipient of God's mercy, rather than God's justice. Let God and government take care of justice. You need to forgive. If you're still angry with your parents then you are still letting them control your life. You have unfinished business that you need to resolve. If your parents are alive you need to sit down with them and work through the issue. If you can't talk with your parent, perhaps they won't listen or they have some chemical dependency or they have passed on, then I highly recommend and encourage you to share your pain with a Christian counselor or a trusted and wise friend, for your benefit, and for the benefit of future generations.

If you were abandoned by your parent, remind yourself that orphans get special attention from the heavenly Father. Only the heavenly Father is perfect. Only the heavenly Father can keep every promise, and one of His promises is I will never leave you nor forsake you. God understands your pain. God understands rejection. God understands abuse. Christ experienced it all, and Christ is God incarnate in the flesh.

God understands your pain. When you call on Him for His help, He understands, and he wants to help you let go of the hurt and kill the root of bitterness.

The apostle Paul said let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has also forgiven you, Ephesians 4:31.

Now the holidays can be a particularly difficult time for many because they bring with them such passionate emotions. For some it is primarily a time of reflecting back upon childhood joys, remembering the bicycle next to the Christmas tree, but for others the holidays can bring back predominantly memories of broken promises, broken dreams, and broken families. The holidays are an emotional time when some of the layers of protection that we have built up over the years are at their thinnest. It could be that this is the best time of year to remove those layers and deal with the hurt and the injury that lies beneath.

One of the books that I read in preparation for this message was written by Dennis Rainey, one of the hosts of Family Life Today, and it's called The Tribute, and Dennis Rainey proposes some homework. So I'd like to propose some homework for this sermon. It's optional. You will not be graded. You do not have to turn it in. It's personal improvement homework, if you will.

What Dennis Rainey suggests is to take a time, sit down, work through your memories of what your parents did right and your parents did wrong, and write a tribute to your parents whether they are still alive or not that honors them. That is another way where we can fulfill this commandment to honor our father and mother. Amen? Let's pray.

Lord we thank you for Your word, for the guidance that it provides for us so that we can enjoy happy and fulfilling lives, and live in a safe and prosperous community. And Lord we are so thankful that our eternal salvation is not dependent upon us keeping these Ten Commandments, because if that were the case then we would all be lost. Thank you Lord for being merciful to us. Thank you Lord for forgiving us our sin, and Lord we desire to bring honor and glory to You. We desire to fulfill Your requirements of us to forgive others as we have been forgiven. Lord we go forth from this place and we ask You to honor Yourself through our lives and through our living. May we bring honor to You, in Jesus name we pray. Amen. God bless.